How to behave in a gym
From, a high end gym working professional

RULE #1: I’M SWEATNIG AND PANTING, NO TIME TO TALK!
Don’t approach women and attempt to start up conversation while they’re on any piece of equipment…unless you look like Bradley Cooper. Dear Mr. coming my way. I see you in my periphery. Even though my head is hanging, I’m frowning and my shoulders are slumped, you keep coming toward me. My inner dialogue is, “don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me.” Yet, you insist! WHY?!!!! I’m sweaty, red faced, out of breath and trying to workout. Please, no. There will be no “us,” sir.
*Full disclosure. I met my husband at a gym. He said hi to me and I ignored him. Perfect start to our marriage.

RULE #2: YOUR SWEAT SHOULD BE ON YOU, NO ONE ELSE… JUST YOU!
The unthinkable happened last week. A hairy, sweaty arm brushed against mine eliciting my involuntary, aggressive, quite audible ROAR followed by an eye roll and dramatic wipe off with my clean towel. There isn’t enough soap or hot water to scrub away that feeling. WHY??!! How could this have happened to me?!! I am SO careful about where I’m working out in relation to others. This Mr. needed these rules read to him, stat.

RULE #3: STOP SLAMMING YOUR WEIGHTS!
Ahhh yes, the familiar sounds of grunting, snorting, heavy breathing, and panting followed by KA-BOOOOOOM! Cue the awkward silence, eye rolling, and general disbelief that any adult needs attention that badly. Dear Mr. I-took-too-much-protein-powder-mixed-with-creatine-this-morning, we understand you are trying to blow off some steam, but come on?! Does that process have to scare the living s&%t out of everyone else in the gym?

RULE #4. DON’T TALK TO ME WHILE I’M NAKED!
In the locker room, it is NEVER OK to strike up a conversation while completely undressed or partially undressed. I don’t know where to look. And staring straight into someone’s eyes for too long makes me the creepy one. Let’s be real, this isn’t Europe. We are not ready for boobs in our face while talking about carpool pickup or the hot new restaurant that just opened.

RULE #5: WIPE YOUR SWEATY MARKS OFF THE BENCH!
I understand that on a microbial level, a simple wipe of the leather won’t eliminate my risk of catching whatever bacterial contagion your excretions carry, but, I’d just rather not HAVE TO SIT IN IT! Please, please, please, be a decent person and wipe it off.